While I'm in a ranting mood, I might as well rant about another thing that particularly annoys me about the American psyche. Actually, I think it's specifically a Midwestern thing, and that is the assumptions that are made about children.
I recently met a (rather irritating) woman for the first time, who, after asking me whether I was married immediately followed it up with asking whether I had any children. No, I replied, whereupon she said "Are you planning any? Or have you decided no kids?" It was all I could do to smile politely and mutter something vague about not being entirely sure yet.
The fact of the matter is that I do want to have children, and hopefully in the next few years, but I find the outright questioning on the matter from complete strangers the ultimate in rudeness. I know it's meant as just an interested form of conversation, but for all this woman knew I could have been trying to have children for years, or I could have recently found out that I can't have children, or I might have just suffered a miscarriage.
What's more, when I gave my vague answer she went off onto a spiel about how if I wanted them, I really shouldn't wait too long, fertility rates being what they are. Now this REALLY gets my goat - I am perfectly aware that fertility drops off after 35, but quite frankly I don't feel it necessary to discuss (or defend) my childbearing plans with people who merely epxress an interest. Family planning is exactly that - family only, which means me and the Major in my book, or perhaps a couple of close friends to whom I might confess certain hopes and dreams. Basically lady, it's none of your f-ing business.
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And it doesn't stop once you have children. I was asked "so are you having any more?", and after my two boys, "are you going to try for a third?", and once pregnant with our third "are you hoping for a girl?". The questions never stop! Rebecca from New Zealand (with two sons and a daughter).
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. I have one child who is autistic and I have no intention of having anymore. People have stopped asking me now (I am 40) but I'm sure they often wonder!
ReplyDeleteCJ xx
Very insensitive questioning. And, as if there is no validity to a life lived willingly or unwillingly without procreating. On the charitable side - maybe she just isn't very good at conversation? Some people find it hard to talk to strangers.
ReplyDeleteMyself, I have been fortunate to have 2 boys + 2 girls. But also a devastating miscarriage, which seemed to bring out the worst of the inane and downright hurtful comments from others. (OK, I will admit that I was feeling v sensitive.)
There are many ways to live a worthwhile life - motherhood is one of them.
L, Australia. xx
Lucy
ReplyDeleteYour blog is great! I am going to become a follower.
I am a Brit living in California. In fact, I have been here 13 years now.
I agree about the insensitivity of comments regarding children. I needed to have a D and C following a miscarriage. Whilst filling out the paperwork, the woman at the hospital asked me if I was pregnant. "Not any more!" I snapped, astounded that she could ask such a question.
Now I have two children and I leave it up to them to make the ridiculous comments. Please check out my blog, called "Laugh in the Face of PMS." It aims to make people pee their pants rather than worrying about PMS.
If you like it, maybe you could become a follower.
http://laughinthefaceofpms.blogspot.com/
Thanks
Sue
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI'm a Midwestern-born, Cornwall for 15 years now back in Iowa for a time. So, totally in agreement with you regarding the intrusive, nosey, busy body who interrogated you.
Thoughts on parenting, time spent with one's children (should one have them) and the care of, well healthcare of....at times alien to me returning here.
Some things are great coming back, some are straight out of a Louis Theroux .
I'm a artist/ painter and gardener....I am happy to have discovered your blog.
Marilyn
I agree that the questions were stupid and insensitive. However, I think it's a bit dangerous to make blanket assumptions about the "American" psyche, or even the Midwestern psyche. It takes a lot more than a brief stint in the US to understand this vast and varied country. As a sophisticated Londoner, it's certainly easy to be critical. I do hope you find something of value in your stay in the Midwest. As a yank who's lived in London for 10 years I find that Americans say to your face what Brits whisper behind your back. I'd rather have the blunt rudeness of the former than the treachery of the latter!
ReplyDelete